Hamlet dug porridge, not so much cabbage.
As the writer of this yarn is prone to cross-disciplinary thinking, modifying William Shakespeare's mighty lines and mixing them up with personal dietary and life style visions is almost an obligation. Reading this story may in some cases require sociological or parental discretion.
Substantial amounts of loose body fat is culturally either favorable - or then not. Depending on the availability of nutrition, the conception of an ideal figure, and especially that of the rear (more accurately: butt, rump, behind, derriere etc.), has from time to time changed. However, over the last a hundred or so years, it has oscillated from voluptuous to meager and back mostly for the reason of looks. Nowadays also the health enthusiasts are stirring this soup. Although, in this writing, I'm mainly providing you with my findings, visions and advice from a moderately tame western chauvinist point of view, in parenthesis () I have also included an alternative version for those with other sort of background.
For many of us health issues don't sound attractive enough reasons for starting (alternative: stopping) to release (gather) unwanted (beloved) fatty tissues although common sense and health advisers would tell you otherwise. The threat of dying some five or ten years before (after) your expected meeting at The Pearly Gates may for anyone living one's twenties or sixties sound distant; of course there's always time to do things later. But then, if you just had a strong enough reason to start monitoring (ignoring) the outline of your midsection...!
Dependence on a current fashion may dictate ones behavior. Those intending to lose (gain) a couple or more pounds from (to) the waist or butt need good motivating factors. Losing (adding) stones would be even better, but(t) might require measures that are beyond reach of an average willpower. However, willpower can also be manipulated, and can almost be omitted if the motivation is in good shape. I'm just saying that when reasoning is waterproof, there is no need to waste energy for maintaining willpower. For those willing to gain weight, all energy saving options are welcome. Switch your behavioral autopilot on.
If the eyes are the mirror of a man's soul, and the face is that of a man's hearth, a person's behind has to be the mirror of his past. As the butt is usually more or less covered, it testifies to a man's intention to keep some details of one's personal past to himself, unlike the eyes and the face that are too easy. Perhaps for the inborn curiosity of the humans, checking out men's and women's butts seems to have become an evolving leisure time hobby. Exemplary specimen awake enthusiasm and act as role models. The carriers of derrière exhibitable have been pointed out to have significance in portraying e.g. stereotypes of personalities, ideal phenotypes of people and even in matters about religion (Chychota J.C. in Master of Arts Thesis: Interdisciplinary/InterartsTheory and the Example of Marilyn Monroe, 2000). Careful studying and utilization of an extraordinary derriere could open doors to "higher" shower cabins.
Interlude:
In 1901, in Liverpool, Edward Elgar introduced the series of Pomp and Circumstance Military Marches, Op.39, and a couple of years later one of its tunes Land of Hope and Glory adopted the name of the whole series as it was used as a processional tune in the Yale University graduation festivities. The marches were originally intended to emphasize "the splendid show of military pageantry", and Elgar picked up the title from W. Shakespeare's Othello (Act III, Scene 3):
"Farewell the neighing steed and the shrill trump,
The spirit-stirring drum, th'ear-piercing fife,
The royal banner, and all quality,
Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious war!"
In those days nutritional recommendations and health enthusiasm were most likely quite different from today, and life expectancy at birth in USA and Britain was below 50 years for men.
Of course also a number of other factors had an impact on those figures. However, I have a feeling that quite few Edwardian gentlemen bothered measuring the circumference of their own derrière as scalding ass in a shower cabin was a minor liability. I don't want to suggest why the ladies' had a corset, but anyway their butts were more carefully hidden in the garments. According to The Free Dictionary, the definition of the word "pomp" is "vain or ostentatious display". Today vanity, as a human trait and expressed as pomp, might not be one of the deadly sins, but might not be regarded as something to be proud of. At least it is not that in a supermarket checkout line. But again, neither is dragging an extra stone of fat (rattling bones) in your pants down a supermarket aisle. However, when listing available motivating factors, "butt & vanity" could come up handy. "Circumference" in this context naturally refers to the perimeter of belly, waist, butt or whatever you get your hands on. According to my western theory, pomp and circumference are a pair of variables with negative correlation; when the circumference increases, pomp tends to decrease (according to the alternative theory, the correlation is positive, but we have to accept that). On the other hand, as attributes, "plump" and "mighty circumference" go hand in hand in all cultures. Whether my reader is into putting on or getting rid of extra tissues, the connection between the Shakespearean and secular terminologies has been established. Now you may get an impression that reading this writing, as well as reading Shakespeare in its original form, requires an interpreter, but no worry. Just read my story "Sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying".
In this context, a common endearment "pompous ass" is fairly unscientific unless its use is limited to only those who willingly exhibit their own.
My own experience about losing weight and substance has been pretty successful over the last five years. After some fairly close encounters with the faucet, I realized that the circumference of my rear had reached dimensions that weren't beneficial to my well-being, neither to that of the cabin. Now, after sending a good three stone (20 kg) of various tissues into thin air, it is my responsibility to unravel some details of my
daily doings.
After a good eight hours sleep, my breakfast is simple to prepare. This is essential as most of the mornings I have to take care of it myself. Porridge will easily postpone my next meal until early afternoon.
- Switch water boiler on. - Pour two-minute porridge flakes into a bowl.
- Add five to ten e.g. chicken nuggets.
- Add spices (oregano, BBQ etc.).
- Adding a cooked (and scaled) egg is optional.
- Pour boiling water into the bowl and stir.
- Stick the decently covered bowl into a microwave oven.
- Take a shower, and test the compatibility of your butt with the faucet.
- After the shower your porridge is ready for one minute (800kW) heating.
- Watch morning news, and cut a big chunk of raw cabbage for a side dish.
- After the two first news items you can start spooning and crunching.
Plain water is good for drinking. Instant coffee is essential in the morning. Whatever you have for lunch doesn't matter; nor does it matter what you have for the dinner. However, when you're done with your appetite, leave it there. Three meals a day is enough. When you need a snack, indulge yourself with a slice of multigrain bread and some cheese. A fridge in your office is a good idea. Keep some dental floss and a pouch of snack carrots in your briefcase. Avoid alcoholic beverages at any time. Cherish your buttocks e.g. with a thirty minute stationary bike session at least four times a week.
As an alternative menu for those who follow the text in the parentheses, I suggest a mug of coffee with a cigarette. Snacks and energy drinks are good for daily nourishment. It is exercise to carry all the trouble in the world on your shoulders.
Conjuring breakfast in no time doesn't have be complicated, and biking is fun. In about two to twelve months time, be prepared to go shopping for new pants as there is enough room for a head of cabbage between you and the waist band.
My own experience about losing weight and substance has been pretty successful over the last five years. After some fairly close encounters with the faucet, I realized that the circumference of my rear had reached dimensions that weren't beneficial to my well-being, neither to that of the cabin. Now, after sending a good three stone (20 kg) of various tissues into thin air, it is my responsibility to unravel some details of my
daily doings.
After a good eight hours sleep, my breakfast is simple to prepare. This is essential as most of the mornings I have to take care of it myself. Porridge will easily postpone my next meal until early afternoon.
- Switch water boiler on. - Pour two-minute porridge flakes into a bowl.
- Add five to ten e.g. chicken nuggets.
- Add spices (oregano, BBQ etc.).
- Adding a cooked (and scaled) egg is optional.
- Pour boiling water into the bowl and stir.
- Stick the decently covered bowl into a microwave oven.
- Take a shower, and test the compatibility of your butt with the faucet.
- After the shower your porridge is ready for one minute (800kW) heating.
- Watch morning news, and cut a big chunk of raw cabbage for a side dish.
- After the two first news items you can start spooning and crunching.
Plain water is good for drinking. Instant coffee is essential in the morning. Whatever you have for lunch doesn't matter; nor does it matter what you have for the dinner. However, when you're done with your appetite, leave it there. Three meals a day is enough. When you need a snack, indulge yourself with a slice of multigrain bread and some cheese. A fridge in your office is a good idea. Keep some dental floss and a pouch of snack carrots in your briefcase. Avoid alcoholic beverages at any time. Cherish your buttocks e.g. with a thirty minute stationary bike session at least four times a week.
As an alternative menu for those who follow the text in the parentheses, I suggest a mug of coffee with a cigarette. Snacks and energy drinks are good for daily nourishment. It is exercise to carry all the trouble in the world on your shoulders.
Conjuring breakfast in no time doesn't have be complicated, and biking is fun. In about two to twelve months time, be prepared to go shopping for new pants as there is enough room for a head of cabbage between you and the waist band.
For digesting the cultural significance of this causerie, it's relevant to provide some background statistics. Although cabbage has lots of Vitamin-C, in his whole production William Shakespeare used the word only once. And even then, in The Merry wives of Windsor (Act I, Scene 1), he used it only for emphasizing Falstaff's good intentions: "Good worts! good cabbage. Slender, I broke your head: what matter have you against me?". In legal proceedings, I suppose, this could be considered as misuse of a good product. On the other hand, at least Hamlet had porridge in his breakfast menu (Act III, Scene 2).
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