My name is Richo

My name is Richo and people don’t like me. I really don't understand, why! They try to get rid of me all the time by trampling and kicking me continuously. They say I and my pals are different and call us names; faces they make only occasionally. I would consider us "the most extreme outcasts of society". I also feel isolated as I and most of my pals are kept in cages that move from one place to another so often. I’m cocooned. On the other hand, there are some bright sides in my life too - I have to confess. Relatively often I get a new or a recently washed outfit that especially in winter makes me feel warm. 

Now this may sound weird: Although I’m complaining about so often being closed in my room, it is this home that keeps me alive, more or less. In summer, when I quite often get out, I'll be in a real danger. Surprisingly, I don’t like bright light and too dry places very much. I suppose I'm a sort of habitual nightclub wet head. The winters are not that bad as I feel comfortable in my outfit and my home is warm. Moreover, there is less chance to get sunlight or too much fresh air. Perhaps I'm just getting schizophrenic.

Now I have to tell you that I find myself a kind of city person in these somewhat weird circumstances. In countryside, I have cousins who live a completely different kind of life. They almost enjoy fresh country air although they like rain too. Anyway, these cousins of mine keep their heads high up and are one proud lot. On the other hand, there are dangers too: many of them get their heads chopped off if local politics go sour. I don’t envy them as people can be so cruel and narrow-minded. 

But then, I and my buddies have some threats too. People try to poison us in most peculiar ways. I've been treated with snake oil, vinegar and even some drugs. A couple times I have been stabbed, and only luckily survived. Once, after giving me knife, a guy poured pure vinegar in my wounds. But, very soon he was really sorry for that. Last summer, someone tried to drown me a couple of times. However, I laughed a dirty laugh as I'm an excellent swimmer and enjoy water - no chance in that territory with my whole family and buddies. Actually, I prefer indoor swimming pools to beaches. 

So, I'm a city person, but still I’m not a real sports fan although in one way I benefit from things related to sports events. Now I have to say I'm not talking about advertising, vice versa. In our line of work excessive advertising could end up in peril. Neither is vending sausages nor popcorn our cup of tea. As to actual sports, tennis, squash and track & field sports are not bad although I sometimes become claustrophobic or frustrated, whatever they mean. I have a bit mixed feelings about soccer. American football is just fine as kicking ball is there so much less frequent. For obvious reasons, I really don’t like ball kicking. Swimming is really enjoyable as I already mentioned. All winter sports are completely horrible. But then, wrestlers are my favourites. I really fancy wrestlers. 

Now I’m awfully sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself and my family. The name “Richo” is short for my original name Trichophyton rubrum. Using some imagination, someone could think that my name actually means a "T-rex Richo rubbing python snake", but it doesn't. I have no such inclinations. After all, my life is very regular, and I'm strictly heterofungal. However, my address is not at all the same every day; I may have different quarters seven days a week. Anyway, I have to tell you that perhaps the dearest house I have ever occupied is the one where I spent all my youth. My first home was a warm and cosy sneaker, and my host took good care of me, providing all the necessary nutrients I needed for growing big and strong. He didn't play much soccer, but spent a plenty of time in sports facilities. 

This is where I took my first steps. I did it blind. This is my passport picture. 

Our family has really nothing to do with popcorn or any other vending business, but as we like to extend our turf, we utilize the shower rooms of sports facilities. As I told, wrestlers slimy mats are excellent for our purposes. Hiding first in a wet wrestling or shower room mat, and then attacking a victim unexpectedly may sound creepy, but that’s our livelihood. It is essential if we're intending to form a new family. Nevertheless, I have to say that most of our new hosts should be grateful to us as from that moment on we’ll manage the security of the shoe, and we’ll guarantee that no unwanted multi legged parasite will enter our symbiotic environment. In the dressing room, the fragrance we often excrete creates a fraternal atmosphere and strengthens team spirit. Also, later on, it may dispel too friendly approaches of the opposite gender. This task we're ready to carry out even if we had been exposed to unfamiliar eyes. However, it doesn't happen too often; the appearance has for centuries been the Achilles' heel of our hosts. I just wonder if the ancestress of all Trichophytons' hosts once held their progenitor by a toe when dipping him in River Styx. 

Uncomprehending people sometimes try to drown us; you remember I have some experience of it. However, the only outcome is that fragrance deliveries will be behind of schedule, and defending host may be compromised. On the other hand, sun exposure in this environment may physically jeopardise our existence and thus hamper our defensive task and responsibility of the host's well-being. Nevertheless, social pressure is on our side. Some people consider our looks somewhat odd, and if the host too often introduced us to the public, his or her self-esteem could suffer. 

As mentioned, in terms of alleged, stereotyped appearance and health enthusiasm, we have become the victims of this time. The benefits we provide, also declared above, have been shadowed by unjustified fear and prejudice. If a hypothetical host, under the pressure from ignorant relatives or friends, is prone to end our fruitful collaboration and dismiss us from the premises, he or she of course has several options. Some efforts, recorded in our age-old Natural History of Fungi, have been made by using tee tree oil or grapefruit seed extract, even snakeroot, but most of us just laugh at them. What we really are worried about are some real drugs that actually may make our life difficult. And then there are those who just aim at driving us crazy by rubbing funny creams on our inner home roof and door; there actually are creams that may help itching of skin, but will boost our ability to extend territory. These hosts are so funny; we are here to stay - period. 

I really have a large number of cousins living in the countryside. At some point, some of their family members lived here in the city too, but gradually their pure size started causing problems. One after another they moved to areas where there was more living space, and now only few daredevils occupy mostly wasteland in sparsely habited blocks. On the other hand, these brave guys only seldom need to be worried about having the head chopped off as city pollution that fills their tissues is a big enough deterrent for most enemies. Also, I've been told about a distant relative who on Friday, September 28, 1928, decided to elope to get married, but in all hurry accidentally jumped into a Petri dish in London. They say he became a traitor. 

So, people still hate me - in my opinion unreasonably. Although I still at times feel isolated and claustrophobic, overall I have to be happy with my life at home. In the back of my head there is a smouldering thought: what about moving to the country where I have so many friends and relatives. This idea of mine most likely will never come true. My present home is essential for the survival, and winning over the host and shoes would be just a bit too tricky. 

Well, so long for now, perhaps one day we'll meet. Our family tree is an evolving business. 

My country cousin "Penny Bun", living quiet life her head high up. Her whole name is Boletus edulis.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. 

The picture of "Penny Bun" was copied from Wikipedia, and published in accordance with the CreativeCommons terms http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/.